Is there more to life than happiness? A short guide to more fulfillment
How happy are you right now, in this moment? Intuitively assign a number from 1 to 10, where 1 means you're not happy, and 10 stands for extraordinary happiness. And how fulfilled do you consider yourself to be, also on a scale of 1 to 10?
In this blog, you'll find what differentiates being happy from being fulfilled, as well as a quick guide to being even more fulfilled.
Who doesn't want to be happy? We look for happiness in the job that moves us forward, in love and our partners, in our children as well as in the designed home that meets our needs, in our sense of health, in sporting success experiences and much more.
And even though the above issues are «fulfilled» for many of us, I don't quite feel that we are becoming happier. So I asked myself: Are we striving for the wrong thing? What if it's not happiness we're seeking, but something else entirely?
The other day I watched Emily Esfahani Smith's TED Talk «Is there more to life than being happy» which generated so much resonance in me and answered the above two questions. Because first, I now better understand what the difference is between being happy and being fulfilled, and second, I have concrete starting points on how to build more fulfillment and meaningfulness into my life.
What is the difference between happiness and fulfillment? Feelings of happiness are momentary, fulfillment is more lasting.
So, what does it mean to be happy? When we are happy, we feel comfort and ease, we feel good in the moment. Fulfillment goes deeper. Martin Seligman describes fulfillment in terms of: belonging to something greater and working on something beyond ourselves.
While happiness is more fleeting, fulfillment seems more lasting. Studies apparently show that fulfilled people are more productive and resilient on the job and live longer.
What does fulfillment consist of? Good relationships, meaning in life, flow experiences, and a positive story of yourself.
Emily shows us these four pillars of a fulfilled life:
Belonging: Who do you feel you belong to? To your partner, to your family, to your child, to your tennis team? When you live in relationships where you are valued for who you are, you feel a sense of belonging.
Purpose: What are you living for? What is worth giving everything to? For your start-up? For your child? The purpose of life is much less about what you seek and more about what you give.
Transcendence: In what activities do you forget time and place? When you love with all your heart, when you are creative and build something new, or in sports?
Storytelling: What story do you tell about yourself about how you became the person you are? Are you hero or victim, are you grateful or guided by resentment? The story about yourself highly influences how fulfilled you are.
I like the four pillars because they are concrete. Because they give me clues on how to be more fulfilled. Okay, now what?
So how can you live a more fulfilled life? Examine your relationships, create your vision, get into the flow and (maybe) rewrite your story!
For me, I have derived some tasks to focus my attention and invest time on. Below I share with you the questions I am currently working on to be more fulfilled:
Ad 1) Belonging
What relationships fulfill you? Which relationships do you feel seen in and in which ones not? Which meetings feel like a «have to»? In which relationships do you «perform» to belong and can't be yourself? In the past I have always reduced my environment because I realized that if I see 50 people only twice a year, that 100 days are already accounted for. And I maintained contact with many more people, so that I was socially exhausted and had too little time with the people who mean more to me. From my recent reflection, I was allowed to realize that my current relationship map is very fulfilling. And yours?
Ad 2) Purpose
What do you live for? What is worth giving everything for? What do you look forward to when you get up? Do you have a vision and goals that are meaningful to you and that contribute to your vision? I carry my vision with me every day in the form of a picture (you can see it here, by the way). At the end of each year, I notice that many of the goals that I found challenging ten, eleven months earlier have simply been achieved and I see the exact same thing with my clients and friend. My recent mid-year review now shows I want to invest more time in my life's purpose, which is to invest more time upskilled and collaborate with creative people. How about you?
Ad 3) Transcendence
In what activities do you forget time and place? In this area, I have a lot of potenial. I often feel these flow experiences when I am creative and build something new. However, to do this, I need time off from my daily duties. Recently, I took two days off. On the very second day, I got up and clearly saw the image of a new logo that I started thinking about two days before. So I drew and wrote, contacted an artist and couldn't think of anything else. In these kind of moments, I am in the flow and forget about place and time. Looking backward, I felt very fulfilled. What flow experiences did you have this year? How do you create more of them?
Ad 4) Storytelling
What story do you tell about yourself and how you became the person you are? I find this point challenging as well. I haven't thought about how I introduce myself and what stories I tell about myself for a while and, more importantly, which ones are deeply embedded in me. How about you? So I've decided to take on this task: I'm writing down how I became who I am today. Which life moments are the most important, which ones have changed me? What have I lost, what have I gained? What identity do I ascribe to myself today? Am I an entrepreneur, a mother? Too simple, too vacuous. So who am I? And who are you? What life events, perhaps especially the painful ones, have shaped you and how? What have you made of them?
How I'd love to share and hear about those flow moments right now, and what stories about are making you you.
And a little promotion on my own behalf: my 12-week training program contributes strongly to points 2 and 3 above. We start our program with a vision and hopefully create many flow moments. Are you in on it too?
You can find more info about the program here. See you soon!